I think everyone has their thing or things that comfort them during hard times. I know that I have many, but a good quote always resonates with my soul in hard times. On a bad morning, a bad week, I find comfort in finding a quote that says just how I feel when I can't, or something that inspires me when otherwise I feel defeated. Not hard to guess that one of my love languages is words then, right?
Lots of stuff has been going on in our lives this week, the past couple of weeks, ok maybe the last 2 years? But lets just focus on this week. It was a "quote week" in my book and these are some tidbits of things that have left my soul comforted, or inspired, or encouraged....
God gave you this life because you were strong enough to live it....
God breaks things we have built down, a painful process but necessary one so that He can build them back the right way....
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply....
It is well with my soul.....
God is my refuge.....
Hmm.... this is a rambling late night post, one that I've started and left drafts of in my draft folder over the last couple of days just pondering. See I hold back from blogging, because, much like me in real life, I dont have a direction. I think if I believed in former lives I for sure would have been a gypsy. I digress.
For journaling sakes, this week, on Monday, we were in what should have been, a very bad accident. I was driving like normal, since Mike drives so much for his job and I enjoy driving, this works well for us. We were headed down to Susanville for an appt in the morning since it was a four day weekend. Mike and I were deep in conversation, I was occasionally sipping coffee since the morning was so chaotic I didn't get my usual cup before running out the door....and I didn't pay attention. I zoned. I mean, I can say a lot of things, but its as simple as that. The cops wife who knows how dangerous driving can be, the one who has heard the stories, who understands the concept of icy mountain roads, just zoned, went into autopilot I guess is the term? I felt like I was paying attention, but as I started up the hill for the pass, the one that is always shady no matter what time of day it is, I didn't slow like I should have, no I wasn't speeding as far as the speed limit was concerned, but I should have easily been going 10 mph slower. And it happened just like that, before Mike could say the sentence he had to ask me after the accident if he actually did say "slow down a little", before the brakes I had started to apply before we starting to slide even made a difference, suddenly my view was shifting, wait, how could that be? Before I felt it, I saw it, not seeing my lane in front of me, but the yellow, then the other lane, then side looking at Mike all while I was stomping the brake, ferociously turning and clawing at the wheel which would give me a sprained wrist from the effort. And the moment, that moment that stands still. Not my life flashing before my eyes, but theirs. Them. My Mike, eyes wide, Paytin, Brayden eyes huge, no time for words, not even a half second of a glance at them and yet all the time and burden in the world of what that moment could mean. Even though I didn't have the time to think all the thoughts I am typing on this blog, the magnitude was there. My three, my whole life, helpless to protect them, unable to get to them, unable to right my wrong, would I see them again? (I pause, if you are reading this and thinking I'm over dramatic, I pray its because you've never been in an accident like this, a situation like this, and I hope that you'll extend me some grace in being the emotional woman I am) I know, even as only seconds have ticked by, we are going to hit on Mike and Paytin's side, I know this as I'm looking at them out of the corner of my eye, I see the stump we're going to roll too, I know in that fraction of a second its going to hit Paytin's location and it does. And it's over. I'm suspended by my seat belt, hanging by my chest and even though the rest is clear, crystal clear, its like a new version of autopilot that my husband was able to explain to me as shock. I went into shock, and no doubt that was of God too. Instead of panicking, I was intensely calm, to the brief point of immobility. I'm hanging and my coffee is pouring all over my husband. I laughed right now, because the first time I heard Mike tell the accident story he actually said "and Laura was pouring her coffee all over me" to which I responded "Really? You think one, that I was able to hold a coffee cup during a rollover accident (I wasn't holding it at all even when the accident started) and two, that I was just dumping it on you?!" Really the coffee cup had stayed stuck in the holder and was pouring on Mike, so my first action after the accident was throwing the coffee cup. Not sure where it ended up now that I'm thinking about it. I do this at the same time I'm looking back at the kids. I know that I knew they were ok, at least alive, I didn't know they were uninjured, but I knew they were ok, but for the life of me I can't remember seeing Brayden (who was behind me). While I looked or threw the mug or whatever, Mike, whose side and window/door is literally on the ground has unbuckled and is moving, and yells, not panicked, totally calmly and assertively "Laura move NOW get out NOW"(My step mom told me later that day how glad she was that Mike was with me in the accident. My first reaction is to wish none of my family was, but she was totally right. God gave Mike this amazing gift of being calm, clear minded, decisive, and assertive in the midst of life threatening situations, something no doubt that serves him well in his job, and helped keep our family safe during the accident) I unbuckle and fall hard down to his side. I crawl fumbling the whole time, on top of the center console and use the button to get the window down and crawl out onto my door. Mike hands Brayden up first, then Paytin. I remember standing there on top of the truck and Mike coming out of the window yelling to/at me to get away from the truck. I jump off, have Brayden wrap his hands around my neck, pull him down and just start running, boots and all, through the mud and the gravel, about 50 yards away where there was a stump. And Mike's right behind us with Paytin. We set them both down on the log, another car has stopped, Mike goes to talk to them, and I'm pulling, tugging, lifting up clothes on both kids while repeating over and over again probably sounding like a crazed woman "Are you ok? What hurts? Let me see you. Are you both ok?" I just couldn't believe there wasn't a mark, minus one line on Brayden's forehead that didn't even bleed. I was just shaking uncontrollably and I think I was wondering if I was unconscious because there was no way there were ok. I sat next to them, hugged them both as tight as possible, told them I loved them. Zipped up their jackets, pulled on their hoods, the memory of starting up the hill, when I should have been braking and reading the Outside Temp Gauge reading 25 degrees. Bray keeps saying they are fine, he's not hurt, he's fine mommy. And I start to cry. He's worried I'm hurt, I tell him I'm not. I tell him I was so scared and he tells me that its ok. That they will give us a new truck and I laugh, and I smile and I tell him I could care less about the truck and Daddy could care less too that we are just so glad they are not hurt. Our kids didn't cry, scream, or make a peep during the entire accident. Brayden was hanging from his seatbelt when Mike got to him and he just waited for his Daddy to rescue him, poor sweet Paytin only cried when she realized we couldnt get back in the truck, and when we had to ride in the CHP car back to Mike's Mom's house. And I just kept lavishing praise on them both, for being so brave, so incredibly brave. Mike stayed with the truck while the tow truck came so that he could get our belongings. I remember telling him how sorry I was. I remember saying that to all of them so many times.
Whew....that was exhausting. It's kind of an abrupt ending, but the story is just details after that. The truck's totalled, I went to urgent care only because it was hard to move my wrist later that day and because of my seat belt indentation on my collarbone. Mike had some cuts on his arm from trying to reach his hand back before impact because he saw that same stump coming. Oh yeah,....and that stump? Rotten. Rotten to the core, making it virtually fall apart upon impact. No need to say again what a solid, fresh stump would have meant. Because it wasn't a solid fresh stump, and no doubt Whose Hand was in making sure that stump was exactly wholly rotted through. No doubt Whose Hand was in making it so that our accident didnt happen a half mile in either direction which would have led us off a cliff.
The nightmares have been steady three nights in a row and theres nothing I can do to change that. A nice deep conversation with Mike today I'm sure helped and writing this blog I'm sure helped. I dont feel guilty, because I know it was a total accident. I feel an immeasurable amount of gratitude, and probably an unhealthy but totally understandable amount of fear regarding driving and car accidents. I know that will pass, but I pray the lessons of that morning never will, and also the opportunity it gave me to look again at not only counting my blessings but treasuring every moment for them. I was given a new perspective on how fleeting life is....
