Favorite word

Know how I said I'm a word person? A quote person? Cause I am. I'm like that in all aspects of life. Mike could buy me a dozen roses and I'd love it; Mike tells me that he kinda likes me, with that sweet little gleam in his eyes, and I'm putty. Lol. Dumb example but it happened this morning and I'm still giggling about it, because he sounded like the 19 year old Mike I first met and I loved it. (digress) I'm known to text you a lyric, a line from a book, etc. I just love words. And even though I talk a lot, more than the average person; I'm always amazed at how profound one little sentence can be and how much it can say so much more than just those words.

So anyways, without knowing it, at different times in my life I've had favorite words. I know this because I've caught myself saying it before, the funny thing is, I have a horrible memory and I can't quite remember what some of those words are. They aren't profound, just something that worked then, which I guess why would I need to remember them now?

A word that fell upon me, that you'll read in the about me part of my blog over there > is authentic....oh how I love that word. And I only recently fell in love with it. For awhile transparent and authentic were synonymous, and now I realize they aren't synonymous but they can go hand in hard. Sometimes its okay to be transparent, and that's something I'm learning. See, I'm not a layered person, usually what you see is what you get. I'm every bit the mess that I seem to be, every bit as emotional, and every bit as passionate. So to me, being transparent, is as simple as just "being". But I'm learning as I age that there is a time and a place to be transparent and sometimes there is a time and a place to be a little bit more elusive. Just like a card game, not putting all your cards on the table? Something I'm still working on for sure.
But, getting back on track, I think I've been saying for awhile that I am transparent, an open book, etc. but I was missing what I was wanting to say, and that's that I want to always be authentic; genuine. There so many reasons I'm passionate about it.

One of them is, everything in our culture is fake. Instagram is fake and Facebook is fake. Ok, I shouldn't go that far. They are disingenuous. Because the 1200 or so pictures I have on Instagram don't show the days I'm fighting with Mike. The bad day that I had at work. What I really looked like after my accident. They don't show the dog pee I stepped in on the way to the bathroom. Or even what I look like on the days that I don't wear makeup and I really look like I didn't wear makeup. On Facebook, I don't tell you about my total epic failures as a wife. I don't let you know about a fight I had with my friend. I don't post a status update that let's you know that I fear a bad choice of mine will disappoint my parents. Or when I am homesick for my family.  That's where being transparent comes in. It wouldn't be good for my marriage if I aired my dirty laundry on social media. There's a time and place. There's things to be kept private. But at the same time, you guys are seeing my highlight reel. The photos I wanted to take, the things that I want to remember. Want to know how I know that? Because I see yours, your Pinterest, doesn't matter that you haven't bought one of the swimsuits you pinned, or that you haven't made one of the crafts you have pinned to your I'm So Crafty board, in my mind, you've made them all, done them all. I've seen your status updates on how great your day was, on your romantic date with your husband, on the educational activities you did all day with your kid. And I felt like less, I felt like my life, who I am as a wife and a mom couldn't compare. And I shrunk a little inside. Maybe you can understand, I know I've blogged on it before.

Two, we're in this together. I'm the youngest of 7 kids. I think I am slightly competitive, but I'm not one of those good at everything type of people. I'm not very sports inclined, but I do enjoy a good win. But in the age of Mommy wars and one-upping, all us Mom's are really saying is I am not sure if I am doing this right but I'm sure as heck not going to come off like I don't know! Our insecurities become our biggest hurdles because we are unwilling to say I don't know for fear of judgement. I know I am speaking from my own trials here. I was a very judgemental stay at home first time Mom, and then God gave me a second child that was nothing like my first, and I work two jobs. And then stuff got real, and I got real and I wanted to be around real people. No that didn't mean I wanted to only be around people whose life was like mine. That meant that I felt guilt for trying to make other moms feel bad that they couldn't stay home or chose not too because now I am the mom who knows what it feels like to say goodbye to your heart every morning as you shut the door and walk away from your child. I just wanted to talk to moms who felt like I did, who wondered if they were doing it right and could freely talk about that, or ask each other for advice without worrying that it would make them look like less of a mom, the one thing that makes us feel important and worthwhile.

Authentic, genuine. I want to be the same Laura on the computer as I am in person. If I've never met you and you only know me online, I want you to know that if we met up and went to coffee, we could talk just this easily, because I am who I say I am. I'm not perfect, heck, a lot of the time I feel insecure, unsuccessful, and out of place. I know that anyone who does know me, knows all of that. My house is not out of a magazine, though my daughter's hair is beautiful, its rarely not a tangled mess, my kids eat processed food for dinner almost every night, my husband and I haven't been on a real date in a few months....that's the nitty gritty. It's my real life. So without airing my dirty laundry, without hacking out drama on social media, I do strive to be authentic. To be genuine even in the midst of the chaos, in the midst of finding out who I am and what I am good at and what passions drive me at different times in my life. I feel like if we shed the masks, the judgement, the fear and could be truly ourselves without reservation what we'd learn is that we are all a lot more alike than we thought, and that it's a lot less lonely when we are authentically, genuinely, wholly just us.