It's been a quote kind of a week

I think everyone has their thing or things that comfort them during hard times. I know that I have many, but a good quote always resonates with my soul in hard times. On a bad morning, a bad week, I find comfort in finding a quote that says just how I feel when I can't, or something that inspires me when otherwise I feel defeated. Not hard to guess that one of my love languages is words then, right?

Lots of stuff has been going on in our lives this week, the past couple of weeks, ok maybe the last 2 years? But lets just focus on this week. It was a "quote week" in my book and these are some tidbits of things that have left my soul comforted, or inspired, or encouraged....

God gave you this life because you were strong enough to live it....

God breaks things we have built down, a painful process but necessary one so that He can build them back the right way....

It is both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply....

It is well with my soul.....

God is my refuge.....


Hmm.... this is a rambling late night post, one that I've started and left drafts of in my draft folder over the last couple of days just pondering. See I hold back from blogging, because, much like me in real life, I dont have a direction. I think if I believed in former lives I for sure would have been a gypsy. I digress.

For journaling sakes, this week, on Monday, we were in what should have been, a very bad accident. I was driving like normal, since Mike drives so much for his job and I enjoy driving, this works well for us.  We were headed down to Susanville for an appt in the morning since it was a four day weekend. Mike and I were deep in conversation, I was occasionally sipping coffee since the morning was so chaotic I didn't get my usual cup before running out the door....and I didn't pay attention. I zoned. I mean, I can say a lot of things, but its as simple as that. The cops wife who knows how dangerous driving can be, the one who has heard the stories, who understands the concept of icy mountain roads, just zoned, went into autopilot I guess is the term? I felt like I was paying attention, but as I started up the hill for the pass, the one that is always shady no matter what time of day it is, I didn't slow like I should have, no I wasn't speeding as far as the speed limit was concerned, but I should have easily been going 10 mph slower. And it happened just like that, before Mike could say the sentence he had to ask me after the accident if he actually did say "slow down a little", before the brakes I had started to apply before we starting to slide even made a difference, suddenly my view was shifting, wait, how could that be? Before I felt it, I saw it, not seeing my lane in front of me, but the yellow, then the other lane, then side looking at Mike all while I was stomping the brake, ferociously turning and clawing at the wheel which would give me a sprained wrist from the effort. And the moment, that moment that stands still. Not my life flashing before my eyes, but theirs. Them. My Mike, eyes wide, Paytin, Brayden eyes huge, no time for words, not even a half second of a glance at them and yet all the time and burden in the world of what that moment could mean. Even though I didn't have the time to think all the thoughts I am typing on this blog, the magnitude was there. My three, my whole life, helpless to protect them, unable to get to them, unable to right my wrong, would I see them again? (I pause, if you are reading this and thinking I'm over dramatic, I pray its because you've never been in an accident like this, a situation like this, and I hope that you'll extend me some grace in being the emotional woman I am) I know, even as only seconds have ticked by, we are going to hit on Mike and Paytin's side, I know this as I'm looking at them out of the corner of my eye, I see the stump we're going to roll too, I know in that fraction of a second its going to hit Paytin's location and it does. And it's over. I'm suspended by my seat belt, hanging by my chest and even though the rest is clear, crystal clear, its like a new version of autopilot that my husband was able to explain to me as shock. I went into shock, and no doubt that was of God too. Instead of panicking, I was intensely calm, to the brief point of immobility. I'm hanging and my coffee is pouring all over my husband. I laughed right now, because the first time I heard Mike tell the accident story he actually said "and Laura was pouring her coffee all over me" to which I responded "Really? You think one, that I was able to hold a coffee cup during a rollover accident (I wasn't holding it at all even when the accident started) and two, that I was just dumping it on you?!" Really the coffee cup had stayed stuck in the holder and was pouring on Mike, so my first action after the accident was throwing the coffee cup. Not sure where it ended up now that I'm thinking about it. I do this at the same time I'm looking back at the kids. I know that I knew they were ok, at least alive, I didn't know they were uninjured, but I knew they were ok, but for the life of me I can't remember seeing Brayden (who was behind me). While I looked or threw the mug or whatever, Mike, whose side and window/door is literally on the ground has unbuckled and is moving, and yells, not panicked, totally calmly and assertively "Laura move NOW get out NOW"(My step mom told me later that day how glad she was that Mike was with me in the accident. My first reaction is to wish none of my family was, but she was totally right. God gave Mike this amazing gift of being calm, clear minded, decisive, and assertive in the midst of life threatening situations, something no doubt that serves him well in his job, and helped keep our family safe during the accident) I unbuckle and fall hard down to his side. I crawl fumbling the whole time, on top of the center console and use the button to get the window down and crawl out onto my door. Mike hands Brayden up first, then Paytin. I remember standing there on top of the truck and Mike coming out of the window yelling to/at me to get away from the truck. I jump off, have Brayden wrap his hands around my neck, pull him down and just start running, boots and all, through the mud and the gravel, about 50 yards away where there was a stump. And Mike's right behind us with Paytin. We set them both down on the log, another car has stopped, Mike goes to talk to them, and I'm pulling, tugging, lifting up clothes on both kids while repeating over and over again probably sounding like a crazed woman "Are you ok? What hurts? Let me see you. Are you both ok?" I just couldn't believe there wasn't a mark, minus one line on Brayden's forehead that didn't even bleed. I was just shaking uncontrollably and I think I was wondering if I was unconscious because there was no way there were ok. I sat next to them, hugged them both as tight as possible, told them I loved them. Zipped up their jackets, pulled on their hoods, the memory of starting up the hill, when I should have been braking and reading the Outside Temp Gauge reading 25 degrees. Bray keeps saying they are fine, he's not hurt, he's fine mommy. And I start to cry. He's worried I'm hurt, I tell him I'm not. I tell him I was so scared and he tells me that its ok. That they will give us a new truck and I laugh, and I smile and I tell him I could care less about the truck and Daddy could care less too that we are just so glad they are not hurt. Our kids didn't cry, scream, or make a peep during the entire accident. Brayden was hanging from his seatbelt when Mike got to him and he just waited for his Daddy to rescue him, poor sweet Paytin only cried when she realized we couldnt get back in the truck, and when we had to ride in the CHP car back to Mike's Mom's house. And I just kept lavishing praise on them both, for being so brave, so incredibly brave. Mike stayed with the truck while the tow truck came so that he could get our belongings. I remember telling him how sorry I was. I remember saying that to all of them so many times.

Whew....that was exhausting. It's kind of an abrupt ending, but the story is just details after that. The truck's totalled, I went to urgent care only because it was hard to move my wrist later that day and because of my seat belt indentation on my collarbone. Mike had some cuts on his arm from trying to reach his hand back before impact because he saw that same stump coming. Oh yeah,....and that stump? Rotten. Rotten to the core, making it virtually fall apart upon impact. No need to say again what a solid, fresh stump would have meant. Because it wasn't a solid fresh stump, and no doubt Whose Hand was in making sure that stump was exactly wholly rotted through. No doubt Whose Hand was in making it so that our accident didnt happen a half mile in either direction which would have led us off a cliff.

The nightmares have been steady three nights in a row and theres nothing I can do to change that.  A nice deep conversation with Mike today I'm sure helped and writing this blog I'm sure helped. I dont feel guilty, because I know it was a total accident. I feel an immeasurable amount of gratitude, and probably an unhealthy but totally understandable amount of fear regarding driving and car accidents. I know that will pass, but I pray the lessons of that morning never will, and also the opportunity it gave me to look again at not only counting my blessings but treasuring every moment for them. I was given a new perspective on how fleeting life is....

Back at it

I wish I could carry my blog around with me in my pocket, and talk to it throughout the day, theres so much I want to catch up on on here, my growing kids, 5 1/2 and 2 1/2, their adorable personalities, challenging moments, trials and errors of my life, on marriage and Mike, just about real life, the nitty gritty, the daily grind. I start my blogs in my mind and sometimes write long detailed posts in my head and wish that in those moments I was able to run to my computer and write it all down. My life is not busier than anyone else's but for some reason I'm having a hard times these days finding the routine that I think I am secretly looking for. Alas, here's my goal to start back at it again, to try my best to be real and authentic in every post and to post whenever I can. I've always said it, but I pray my blogs will help me when I finally start those baby books that are collecting dust, that they help me pinpoint things in our lives that my horrible memory just wont recall without a little prompting.

I hope your day is blessed. My day started out rough, like the kind of morning that screams out go back to bed immediately but I didn't give in and I'm glad I didn't. After talking it through with a friend, I'm encouraged that I can make my day better and not a downhill spiral that the Devil wants me to see it as. Praying the same for you my friends! XO

Beginnings and Ends

I stole moments away to go through his backpack, talk about what he wanted for breakfast the next day and packed in his lunchbox, and read a book, My First Day of Kindergarten...and it was off to bed for our sweet little boy like any other night, except this to me, was a big ending of the years we have been so blessed to have Brayden at home just being a baby/toddler/young boy/. Very bittersweet in the most emotional way and thankful Mike wasn't working that night so I could cuddle up with him and watch a movie to kind of put it on the backburner. I'll dwell on it a bit too much and I'm thankful that our busy lifestyle allows just enough thinking for me to enjoy the moments and treasure the memories but not become a total emotional basket case!

The first morning was a whirlwind of excitement, activity, and a Mommy that didn't quite have it all together on her first day getting her kid ready for school and herself ready for work at the same time (Yes all you Mommas out there, whether stay at home, multiple kids, working or not, you ROCK!) but we did manage to take my much desired pictures, give kisses to Paytin and Daddy, and make it to school just before the final bell rang. I threw his backpack and lunchbox on his little #3 Brayden hook, and threw his adorable wood circle nametag around his neck in time for him to get in line for his very first assembly. Not sure if it was the relief that we made it in time and the lack of being able to get emotional during the chaotic getting ready part of the morning, or the watching him walk away down a hallway in an adorable line of nervously excited little 5 year olds, but the tears started flowly readily and before I knew it I was choking back sobs. So grateful for the other understanding parents, and in particular, my boss and friend for knowing just how I felt. I watched the assembly, signed up for some PTA events, and off to work I went with a celebratory "First Day of School" breakfast with my boss and her husband, and a special treat of driving by the school (literally around the corner from my work) on our way back to the office to see my sweet boy happily playing with 4-5 other boys on the dome in the playground. I melted and my heart was so full and so grateful for that small glimpse into his first day, so proud to see him playing with kids he just met like it was no big deal, for making friends and being outgoing, just overwhelmed. No tears, because it was back to work time, but blessed in the best way!

Just 4 hours later I picked up a sweaty, smiling, jumping up and down boy from his line, and the first things he said were "I made two friends today and ate almost all my lunch!" And then chatted with me on the way home about his first day of singing songs, having a book read to them, playing outside, and making a puzzle. I'll post a picture another time of the adorable handprint puzzle the kids each made with a sweet poem talking about working on the puzzle together with their mom and dad so they could tell us about their first day at the same time, I LOVED it! He came home wanting to draw, color, and cut and couldnt stop talking about school. It was at that moment that I realized how grateful I was for our decision to not to do preschool for Brayden in particular. Instead of apprehension or anxiety, Bray was totally ready and excited for school because it was the right time for him. He got to spend the time with Paytin that I so desired, but now is big enough and old enough to need his own time to learn and be taught away from us. It might not be that way with Paytin, she may go to Preschool, who knows? But for Brayden who is very outgoing but can take a bit to warm up to things and is sensitive, this couldnt have worked out better.

He asked last night if they had Kindergarten at night time, or if we could stop by his teacher's house to say hi to her :). SO sweet!

Welcome to Kindergartern sweet boy, I hope your year is as wonderful as you are!

Home Stretch

We're in the home stretch of our 2013 Summer and it's been such a whirlwind! This summer we have celebrated both of our babies' birthdays, gone to the waterslides, the movies, boating, lake day trips, had sleepovers, been camping, done concerts, MOVED, gone to Chuck E Cheese, went to Summer Camp, had a garage sale, gone fishing, gone kayaking, etc. The list really is long of what we were able to do this summer and I'm so thankful as this is our last summer before Bray starts school! That's another post of nostalgia, but we have roughly 2 1/2 to 3 weeks left of our summer and I can say I have both thoroughly enjoyed it and wondered where it went at the same time. We made lots and lots of memories, learned a ton, and grew even more over this summer. But this picture captures a lot of how this summer felt for us, adventurous, carefree, joyous, ready to leap out in faith! These kids have been troopers on this crazy ride we call the Kincaid life; I'd like to say it will make them more flexible, roll with the punches adults who are able to face changes and busy seasons without problems. They live every day with such happiness and excitedness that it's totally contagious. As our time with Bray "all to ourselves" is wrapping up, I again have full peace in the decision to keep him home with us and forego preschool. The bond that these two have formed, the time they have been able to spend together has been priceless in my heart. Paytin adores Brayden and wants to do anything he does, wants to play with him, with his friends, with his toys, and just overalls loves him to peices. I know she will miss him a ton when he is in school even a few hours a day and I'm grateful for the moments and the days they spent carefree time together over this summer!

No Time for Tears

My Paytin is 2, my beloved daughter, the princess of our hearts and apple of our eye....the little girl that makes life seems to sparkle and shine like never before. Paytin often makes us just stop, in the midst of all the craziness, and smile and laugh like only she can. She dances and sings, she cracks a smirk, a smug little face, or does her famous skip hop and loving life run, and we're putty.

Because I love this little girl so very very much, and because it is such a joy to have one of each, a boy and a girl, to witness going through these different stages in their lives, I'm actually very thankful her birthday week was a whirlwind of activity with only a few moments for me to reflect emotionally on how fast the time has gone.

On her actual birthday eve, we took a spontaneous trip to Reno to stay overnight and enjoy the waterpark the next day. I was in Mommy heaven watching the kids and Mike soak up the trapeze and circus show, and my heart melted when Brayden gave the first stuffed animal he won of the night to Paytin as his own personal birthday gift to her. I scored some one on one late time out with my guy thanks to Auntie Katie accompanying us on the trip, and before we knew it it was morning time and time for the waterpark. Still unsure how the kids would do, if it would be warm enough, if we all got enough sleep, I was thrilled that we spent even more time than I originally thought we would at the park. Paytin splished and splashed to her hearts content in the kiddie pool area, and just loved going down the kiddie slides with Daddy and I, She sat on our laps down the slide, slid side by side, and each time it was like the first time for her. She was all smiles and ate it up. Our sensitive and tenderhearted Brayden is quickly blossoming into a more fierce and brave boy. He went down the slides fearlessly, both on tubes, and just on his butt. Daddy even got him to slide on his belly towards the end and he did it over and over again he was so proud of himself! Throughout the day we got to try some of the "adult" slides and take turns with the kids with Auntie Katie, that was a lot of fun. Also, we learned that Brayden was just barely big enough to hit some of the big slides too. He really enjoyed going down a really large slide that was a two person tube one; Mike and I can be such overprotective parents sometimes and water is one of our sensitive areas with our kids. It was so much fun to see how excited Brayden was though about that big slide, and we both enjoyed taking turns taking him on it. The one we were most nervous about was a really tall slide that is the one you lay on the mat and race down. Neither or us could hold onto him, and just had to hope and trust that he wouldnt get scared about the water flying in his face since there is nothing we could do about it on the way down, what a champ! He loved it. But hands down, all the excitedment of the slides aside, my favorite part of the entire trip was when Paytin fell asleep in my arms laying on the two person floaty in the lazy lagoon. She never falls asleep in the middle of nowhere, much less anywhere besides her crib or carseat. Mike and Katie got to hit the slides with Brayden and Paytin and I floated around the whole lazy lagoon about 6-7 times just snuggling and me watching her blissfully as she slept. It's a moment I'll never forget, getting to reflect on her birth two years before and just how much we adore her!

Her birthday party was simply chaotic fun. She got spoiled rotten and had a really fun and loudly decorated Minnie Mouse party this year. She isn't into "TV" at all, so we just picked a theme and went with it. Since our friends had leftover Minnie Mouse Decorations, that worked out perfect! We had family and friends out, celebrated in the backyard with delicious food cooked by Mike's mom and then followed by cupcakes and ice cream and presents. It was fun watching her enjoy unwrapping the gifts and getting excited about each one. She's such a busy body and loves such a myriad of things, all her presents were perfect for her! The big hit of the party was all the water play like usual. Grandpa got her a new water table, and that combined with the kiddie pool, slide and slide, and hot tub, and it was a soaking wet party. It does seem like somewhat of a blur to me, but all I know is we had so much fun celebrating such a wild, fun and wacky little girl full of spunk! Here's to your second year baby girl!

Thunderstorm

*I still have a lot to catch up on from Paytin's 2nd Birthday fesitivities, but that will have to wait to a time when I can put pics up and actually write for awhile :)!*

Last night we had unexpected thunder, lightening, and rainstorms. We were driving home from friends' house late and had fun watching them as we came down the mountain. Brayden was allowed to stay up and snuggle on the couch with us and watch TV, and he was just fascinated by all the lightening and the thunder. His little mind is constantly going it seems with a need to explain why everything happens or how it happens, I love the way he thinks! Last night he told us "Do you know why you can hear the funder? Because God was sitting down up there, and wanted to ride his bike, so he is taking big steps *boom boom boom* until he gets to his bike. He's riding bikes with Papa on the Golden Road.".....

It was a very simple, sweet, and thoughtful moment on his part. I love when he brings his Papa up in everyday life because I want him to be happy when he thinks of him, happy that he is in Heaven, and I dont want him to forget the huge impact he had on his life, even if he was only able to participate in it on earth for a mere 4 years. Just trying to put myself in his shoes, thinking up and picturing that scene in my mind, with our Awesome God and his amazing Papa, up there riding bikes on the Golden Road no less...love what comes out of the mouths of babes!

T-Ball

just came to an end today, and while I had a quick minute, I thought I would post about what a wonderful time Brayden had and what a great experience it was for him and us as a family. This was Bray's first year playing T-ball and he was really excited to play. Neither Mike or I played t-ball or baseball, and even though we have a basic understanding of the game, it was fun to have our son play a sport neither of us knew much about. We were blessed to be on an amazing team this year, with a great coach who's teenage kids helped coach the entire season. Seriously, they were amazing. It's because of them that Brayden knows as much as he does after only one season, its because of them he had so much fun, its because of them that he got a great concept of playing for fun and playing as a team. Every practice was so fun to watch, so well organized, and each game was hilarious and cute and so much fun to watch. I loved seeing how excited Brayden would get as he continued to improve throughout the whole season. I watched him really "take to" this sport much more than he did with soccer. He can be pretty patient and focused when he wants too and loved getting ready to catch and field the ball, always yelled "ready" first whenever coach asked if they were ready, and was well known for having his big personality in all the practices and games. I got a ton of sweet comments and compliments about how cute it was that Bray would give us a thumbs up after getting to his base, after he would ask us if we were watching, or if we saw his hit or his catch, that he would do a little dance move after doing something right. What a confidence and self esteem booster being able to play a team sport like this. He loved the snow cones after the game, loved meeting new friends and playing with them before the games. Paytin equally learned to love watching him play and would always yell "Go Bray" when he was up to bat. A couple of time he stopped before he hit to say "thanks Paytin!" So sweet and melted my Mommy heart. Today was our very last game, and soon we will have closing ceremonies where Brayden will get his first ever trophy. He is very excited about that.

I just wanted to document these precious memories of such a fun time in our lives of starting sports and learning such important life and character lessons that hopefully will stay with him his whole life!