It's quiet in my house...

It's never quiet in my house. There is always a kiddo playing or jibber jabbering, a dog scratching or yawning, a hubby working or chatting, a heater running, a background noise, a heater, dishwasher, or dryer....and yet, it's quiet. Completely silent.

I don't "do" silence. As much as I love to be a homebody these days, I dont like to sit. I dont like to stop and think.  If I'm going to stop and actually take a break, c'mon, I'm going to SLEEP! But this revelation is nothing new to me. I'm not so much a busy body as I used to be, but something my "wise old age" has taught me, is how I tend to be uncomfortable just sitting, and being, and thinking. Not very biblical right? But really, silence. Nothing left to hide in, nothing to distract me, just me and my thoughts. Babies sleeping, hubby working, all the machines turned off, dogs asleep in their beds.  And it's actually peaceful.

See, let me dive into a deep topic that I probably don't have time to write about, and that I'm sure you dont have time to read about, but I'll crack the surface of anyways because it's been on my mind.

The internet lies.

I have an iPhone, a Macbook, and a PC. It's not news to anyone that I lives hundreds of miles away from many and most of my family and dearest friends and that I love to keep in touch with them in my "world in a box" as I like to call it. I love to see what they are up too, let them know what we are up too, and just in general keep in touch. Now, when I post on the blog, or Facebook, I don't lie. It wouldn't make sense too.  If I am going to take the time to type, I'm gonna tell you something that's really happening. But chances are, I'm not going to tell you whats not happening that I wish it was, my deepest and darkest fears, what I've been struggling with lately, what I ate wrong that day, how I treated someone and shouldn't, what words shouldnt have come out of my mouth, and so forth. Chances are, 9/10 times you are going to hear how cute and awesome my kids are, and how amazing and wonderful my hubby is (both, true stories, hehe) And chances are, it's going to be the same for you. We might even post about our bad days, or our kids tantrums or the recipe we really messed up. But we're not going to just flat out say "I felt worthless today and felt like I failed at everything I tried my hand at."

Now, just to throw it out there, I would have never posted this post, if I didnt have some awesome women in my life that said hey, that's me too. Because, we just dont talk like this, right? We live in a world where communication is at our fingertips and phone calls and letters are out the window because typing is so much easier. And I've heard the spiels about how impersonal online conversation can be. It's true, but it's much deeper than that.

See, with two kids, three dogs, a husband, and a pet snake (I throw her in for good measure, though she causes me no work at all) a house, bills, and everything that comes with all those things, I just dont have extra time. Though I post on Facebook a lot, it's never while I'm not doing something else. I never just sit at the computer and post anymore, unless its uploading pictures from my camera. But it's not just me, none of us have time. And thank God for modern technology right? Because really, we wouldnt have time for anyone anymore if it weren't for facebook and texting and blog posts and emails.

But what we're losing, is the sound of your friend's voice when they say "Yeah, everything's fine" that tells you no, not everything is fine. Or the ability for the conversation to take a sudden turn to the deeper things that you really wanted to say to that loved one. What we're missing is the chance to not just type a quick question or say a quick hello, but enter in to a conversation with that person, and spend quality time listening and talking. We're missing that "quality time" aspect, when we intentionally put other things on hold to focus on one person, one conversation at a time, instead of checking updates from 10's of people at a time.

Know what I've heard more in the past 6 months than I would have ever imagined from friends and love ones of mine? Things like: you seem like you have it all together, how do you have time to do that stuff with the kids, you are so skinny, you went straight back to your old body, how do you find all the time in the day... And no, I'm not saying that happens all the time, or even super often, but it's happened. And each time, its been on one of my worst days, and each time, it's been one of those lose the air in my lungs kind of feelings. Should I take the compliment and run? Should I run with it and not look back and tell them what's really going on and how wrong they are? Am I really coming off like I have it together? I was sure everyone could tell I was falling apart at the seams. And instead, quite a few times, it's lead to some deep conversations that included phrases like: I feel the exact same way, I had no idea, I felt like I was the only person feeling like that,....

like I was the only person failing....

What? It's not just me? While that shouldn't make me feel better, it does. Not in the sense that I want you to be in pain or having hard times, but I felt like I was the only one treading water and sinking. I felt like the only one that wasn't living up to their own expectations.

And the handful of times that has happened, it's been the women I was comparing myself too, the ones I was looking at and thinking, why can't I just have it all together like them. And here they were, telling me the same things. Wow. Suddenly Facebook and Blogging and Texts didn't seem to hold a candle to these intimate, personal and revealing conversations. Suddenly the years that I have been on Facebook, felt like they could have been thrown away without being missed at all. Because this is what matters; this is what's real. And it's only one part of it, the part that fits into my life where I'm at right now.

That wives/moms/women out there feel like they are not enough, feel like they are failing, feel like they can't compare to the other women in their lives because they don't know those women's whole picture. Forget the super models, athletes, singers, we're just talking about wanting to get through a few hours, a few days, and even a week feeling like we have things under control and are making headway in the right direction. And the thing is, is that some of them, many of them, should I say most of those women, me included, are feeling like this, often, not in a depressed, worthless kind of way, but just in a, why can't I be better, down on themselves, not being realistic kind of way, and no one knows. Not the friend whose wall you just posted on, not the one who just texted you that super cute pic of her kid, not the one whose blog you spent 20 minutes catching up on this morning. The people you might consider to be your close friends, the people you might know to be family.

We're all "talking" everyday, and a lot of us would even say we're listening too...

but what aren't we saying and what aren't we hearing?